Old School Domination
My domination goal was to get my bike down off the laundry wall and ride it on a track somewhere. I had never been on a bike until I hired one in Jogjakarta when I was 28. Didn’t tell John that until we were out in the streets of Jogja – how could I admit this to him when his parents used to go on cycling camping holidays in England on a tandem with him in a sidecar!!!
The challenge started a big ignominiously when I had to ask for help to get the bike down from the laundry wall – but given that I hadn’t put it up there I figured that would pass the domination protocols (are there any?) The bike and the helmet are nearly 20 years old, but did us then, will do us now… It needed cobwebs removing and a new seat post (I managed to take one off a bike that Duncan had scavenged and fitted it): some WD40, oil, and general tweaking and it was ready. How hard could it be?
The plan was to go to Apple Tree Bay car park late one afternoon and see how I managed. Went to the spot where no one ever goes and it was full of people. So we hung around (my support crew and I) and, after the sun left the spot cold and damp, we had it to ourselves. Along the straight and then around the circle clockwise and all was well. Anticlockwise was a bit more unnerving.
The crew and I decided that I was ready and that today was the big day.Bicentennial Park at the Olympic site was the choice and I wobbled off to the mangroves and success. Along the flat, round the bends, up the inclines, changing gears, 10 km. Sounds easy, eh?
Not so. My old school look created some startled looks and snide giggles. I decided that staring them down was best – not easy to carry off when you look like I did. Nonetheless, got to the Olympic Boulevarde which provided the perfect photo opportunity – no applauding crowds but I know you were all there in spirit.
Coming back was a breeze until my support crew decided that he would helpfully take us back via a short cut. Up this really big hill – had to get off and walk – my little legs were a bit wobbly by this stage – to where the car was supposed to be. All we found was the top of the big hill and the zig-zag track down the other side. Halfway down this track (again I walked) and I decided that this was really stupid and that I should just throw the bike into the bushes and leave it there.
But after lunch, a nap, a bath, a glass of red and dinner, it all doesn’t seem so bad and I have decided to claim it as a successful IMD2.
August 20th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
I don’t think there are any protocols - the whole thing with the IMD Committee is ironic.
My only tip is: if you have to ask if it’s domination - it’s probably not.
Good job by the way! I’m very proud to have such a dominant mum!!!
August 21st, 2006 at 9:05 am
Nice work YLM, now you’ll be able to chase birds at Bobbin Head while you twitch.
That’s far more dominant than me, my IMD odometer is only up to 148km (too much time fixing bikes instead of riding them). Tom is taking me to school. On a fixie too!
August 21st, 2006 at 11:50 am
is that including the 75km in the race lock? you know that that has a scaling factor of at least 2 to take it up to road km, and if you leave the knobbies on I think you get about 1.2.
August 23rd, 2006 at 9:03 am
NEWS FLASH!!
RAYNER FAILS BLOOD TEST
The Australian Sports Doping Testing Agency advised this morning that cycling star Robyn Rayner (29) had been tested following her triumph in the Homebush Stage of the 2006 Dominators Classic Tour.
An Agency spokesperson has advised that Rayner’s blood sample had failed the test because it did not have the required Blood Alcohol Level Limiting Standard (BALLS).
Competitors in the Dominators Classic are required by the rules to maintain a minimum level of alcohol in their blood in order to qualify for the race.
A spokesperson for the Dominators Team of whom Rayner is now a star member said that Rayner had mistakenly limited her alcohol intake the night before the stage to 2 glasses of Long Flat Shiraz.
The spokesperson believes that a change from Rayner’s usual diet of Penfolds Yurunga Shiraz (with a slightly higher alcohol content) may have contributed to the low alcohol level.
The spokesperson is quoted a saying that “it stands to reason the a $19.99 bottle of Penfolds is going to have a higher alcohol content than a $13.99 bottle of Long Flat Shiraz”.
The low alcohol level may go some way to explaining Rayner’s problems with the last ascent of the Homebush Mountain Stage and her stated intention to ‘throw the bike in the bushes’ – a la Floyd Landis.
Rayner was immediately suspended from further events pending the testing of the B sample on Christmas Day 2006.
This suspension has shifted the responsibility for the Dominators continued success to the Dominators B Team of Lock and Timtim.
Neither rider was available for comment, but it is understood that the Dominators are on Thursday flying from Townsville their Founding Star
and Dominators Gear purveyor Tom Rayner.
Tom has been absent from the team and it is rumoured that he has been competing for the month of August in the NQ Fixie 500 Classic.
Tom Rayner will be flying in a new upgraded bike for Timtim and other secret technical gear (it is believed this may be Rosella Jam-a mainstay of the Dominator’s diet).
It is further rumoured that emerging track star Duncan Rayner (no relation) may be taking over a lead role with the Dominators Team on his ‘Black Shadow’ bike following his successful abusive encounter with three P plate drives on Bobbin Head Road last Saturday.
FURTHER NEWS AS IT COMES TO HAND!!
Note: No person fell more than 6 metres in the making of this press release.
August 23rd, 2006 at 1:17 pm
That is the funniest thing I’ve read all year!
I’m opening a bottle of Long Flat Pinot Noir tonight (it’s Kath’s dad’s birthday), I hope that’s not a banned substance.
August 24th, 2006 at 8:12 pm
I am saddened and outraged that my sporting integrity should be questioned.
I categorically state that I have always been firm in my adherence to maintaining my wine levels prior to a race. I am left to assume that someone, who can only be motivated by envy, has tampered with my wine.
I will be challenging the testing technique and appealing the lengthy suspension.
I intend to clear my name.
To that end I am, today, calling my lawyers — Unclegeoffie????
August 28th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
Dear ASDTA
We act for Ms Rayner and we refer to your press release concerning allegations that she had failed a blood alcohol test.
These allegations are clearly and grossly incorrect and defamatory. Our client has never been accused of having a low blood alcohol reading, even at breakfast, indeed especially at breakfast.
The only possible explanation for any such blood alcohol reading could only be the result of her expensive high alcohol wine being swapped by your employees for a a cheaper lower alcohol wine. She recalls that on the evening before the test she commented that the wine tasted “like strawberry piss” but was assured by your employee (who had poured the drink) that her taste buds were shot and she wouldn’t know if her bum was on fire, a statement that our client strongly refutes having had many vindaloos in her day.
Our client became dependent on truly significant daily intakes of alcohol as a result of being the victim of many years of domestic abuse. Her family consists of a gang of bikies that has terrorised her for over 30 years. Almost daily she has threatened to go and find a quiet corner on her own but she has always been thwarted by one of them turning up 5 seconds later with some completely stupid male question, like “where’s my blue shirt” or “what’s for dinner?” “How the f*** would I know where your f****** blue shirt is? And what makes you think I give a s*** anyway. Where’s that bottle?”. This always seemed like an appropriate response at the time. She would then usually have a scotch or two and some weet-bix and go to work.
Our client has been greatly damnified by your scurrilous and malicious allegations. Her reputation is in tatters. Although nothing can be done to fully restore her reputation she demands compensation in the following terms:
1. All family members are to agree with everything she says for the next 14 days, regardless of how puzzling the comment may be;
2. All family members are to pretend to listen to everything she says for the next 28 days, even if she has been talking non-stop since last Wednesday;
3. All commentators on tomandzoe.com are to acknowledge the truly magnificent effort she has made over many years to sustain the profits of the Australian wine industry (and, prior to the arrival of the NQ one, to the very cheap French wine industry - remember the 1970s and those bottles of Hirondelle which would have killed a black dog);
4. The undergradute one can find his own socks and knickers for the next 2 months;
5. The sad pathetic grovelling bearded wimp in the corner can pour her another drink and show his endless devotion to her by taking her to the dinner of her dreams at the exotic Blue Gum Hotel in Waitara on a night when there are no fights in the public bar and the police are not called more than 3 times to eject Barker Old Boys (and girls).
Yours Faithfully
Dowee Chatham and Howe.
Solicitors, Procots, Attorneys, Barristers, and General Layabouts.
September 16th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
I think I might have to sack my legal advisors.
Their efforts at conciliation have come to nought.
I am also deeply disappointed that my IMD2 efforts have not been
significant enough to be added to all the boys in the domination gallery -
did I not try hard enough?
is this ageism?
or sexism?
or what?????
October 6th, 2006 at 9:03 am
SO I do love a good clean up! there is a kerb side council clean up this weekend in the bushland shire and it does occasionally turn out some gems. I now have a trainstation/newtown bike to rival the Tom’s candy machine. 24″ step through frame, 3 speed internal hub, internally wired dynamo, mud and chain guards and a bell and all without a spot of rust in sight. Just need a missing axle nut (old fine thread job) and I’ll be away. Piccies soon…
October 6th, 2006 at 10:47 am
SWEET!
October 9th, 2006 at 8:26 am
Oh and it is a Puch bike!