We act for Ms Rayner and we refer to your press release concerning allegations that she had failed a blood alcohol test.

These allegations are clearly and grossly incorrect and defamatory. Our client has never been accused of having a low blood alcohol reading, even at breakfast, indeed especially at breakfast.

The only possible explanation for any such blood alcohol reading could only be the result of her expensive high alcohol wine being swapped by your employees for a a cheaper lower alcohol wine. She recalls that on the evening before the test she commented that the wine tasted “like strawberry piss” but was assured by your employee (who had poured the drink) that her taste buds were shot and she wouldn’t know if her bum was on fire, a statement that our client strongly refutes having had many vindaloos in her day.

Our client became dependent on truly significant daily intakes of alcohol as a result of being the victim of many years of domestic abuse. Her family consists of a gang of bikies that has terrorised her for over 30 years. Almost daily she has threatened to go and find a quiet corner on her own but she has always been thwarted by one of them turning up 5 seconds later with some completely stupid male question, like “where’s my blue shirt” or “what’s for dinner?” “How the f*** would I know where your f****** blue shirt is? And what makes you think I give a s*** anyway. Where’s that bottle?”. This always seemed like an appropriate response at the time. She would then usually have a scotch or two and some weet-bix and go to work.

Our client has been greatly damnified by your scurrilous and malicious allegations. Her reputation is in tatters. Although nothing can be done to fully restore her reputation she demands compensation in the following terms:

1. All family members are to agree with everything she says for the next 14 days, regardless of how puzzling the comment may be;

2. All family members are to pretend to listen to everything she says for the next 28 days, even if she has been talking non-stop since last Wednesday;

3. All commentators on tomandzoe.com are to acknowledge the truly magnificent effort she has made over many years to sustain the profits of the Australian wine industry (and, prior to the arrival of the NQ one, to the very cheap French wine industry - remember the 1970s and those bottles of Hirondelle which would have killed a black dog);

4. The undergradute one can find his own socks and knickers for the next 2 months;

5. The sad pathetic grovelling bearded wimp in the corner can pour her another drink and show his endless devotion to her by taking her to the dinner of her dreams at the exotic Blue Gum Hotel in Waitara on a night when there are no fights in the public bar and the police are not called more than 3 times to eject Barker Old Boys (and girls).

Yours Faithfully

Dowee Chatham and Howe.

Solicitors, Procots, Attorneys, Barristers, and General Layabouts.

I’m opening a bottle of Long Flat Pinot Noir tonight (it’s Kath’s dad’s birthday), I hope that’s not a banned substance.

An Agency spokesperson has advised that Rayner’s blood sample had failed the test because it did not have the required Blood Alcohol Level Limiting Standard (BALLS).

Competitors in the Dominators Classic are required by the rules to maintain a minimum level of alcohol in their blood in order to qualify for the race.

A spokesperson for the Dominators Team of whom Rayner is now a star member said that Rayner had mistakenly limited her alcohol intake the night before the stage to 2 glasses of Long Flat Shiraz.

The spokesperson believes that a change from Rayner’s usual diet of Penfolds Yurunga Shiraz (with a slightly higher alcohol content) may have contributed to the low alcohol level.

The spokesperson is quoted a saying that “it stands to reason the a $19.99 bottle of Penfolds is going to have a higher alcohol content than a $13.99 bottle of Long Flat Shiraz”.

The low alcohol level may go some way to explaining Rayner’s problems with the last ascent of the Homebush Mountain Stage and her stated intention to ‘throw the bike in the bushes’ – a la Floyd Landis.

Rayner was immediately suspended from further events pending the testing of the B sample on Christmas Day 2006.

This suspension has shifted the responsibility for the Dominators continued success to the Dominators B Team of Lock and Timtim.

Neither rider was available for comment, but it is understood that the Dominators are on Thursday flying from Townsville their Founding Star
and Dominators Gear purveyor Tom Rayner.

Tom has been absent from the team and it is rumoured that he has been competing for the month of August in the NQ Fixie 500 Classic.

Tom Rayner will be flying in a new upgraded bike for Timtim and other secret technical gear (it is believed this may be Rosella Jam-a mainstay of the Dominator’s diet).

It is further rumoured that emerging track star Duncan Rayner (no relation) may be taking over a lead role with the Dominators Team on his ‘Black Shadow’ bike following his successful abusive encounter with three P plate drives on Bobbin Head Road last Saturday.

FURTHER NEWS AS IT COMES TO HAND!!

Note: No person fell more than 6 metres in the making of this press release.

That’s far more dominant than me, my IMD odometer is only up to 148km (too much time fixing bikes instead of riding them). Tom is taking me to school. On a fixie too!