tomandzoe.com - live from the northside

I am at home without leave, while young Miss Zoe is reclining in not-so-sunny Townsville. I assume she’s reclining, prostrated by an opressive combination of heat and humidity. Meanwhile, I’ve been in steamy Old Sydney Town (where automobile drivers chat on their mobile telephonic devices while those on velocipedes are strew hither and thither) formulating my answer to Atkins.

The key to my diet is, as the name suggests, German Tatziki. I would give you the ingredients or a recipe, but I haven’t a clue and am too afraid to ask. Suffice to say it should have plenty of garlic. If you have know any Germans, any at all, ask them to whip up their best guess - I used my ones across the hall. If you are still having trouble, substitute step 1 with a strong laxative.

The German Tatziki Diet

1. Eat the German Tatziki (use potent sausages to wash it down).

2. Drink a modest number of cheap beers. Five is a nice round number - just make sure they’re cheap (see step 3).

3. Puke/shit violently for 24 hours (some of which should preferrably occur in public).

4. When you’re feeling ready, follow with low-nutrition food (try cheap pizza - no more than $6.95 each) and some more beers (use quality ones this time, such as Little Creatures Pale Ale - I mean you won’t be puking them up, so why punish yourself more than you have to?).

5. Bike 10 laps (~30km) of Centennial Park at an average speed of 30km/hr. Make sure it’s a hot and steamy afternoon and that you spend a good deal of the hour flicking beads of sweat from the end of your nose like a sneezing rabbit.

6. Throw in a bit of late-night Battlefield 2 for good measure and try a quick surf for recovery.

7. Plan to meet a friend the next morning for coffee (try an un-gentleman-ly hour like 7:30).

You should lose around 3kg in 4 days and be light, fast, sunkissed, lean and adventure-ready. Hey, it worked for me.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 30th, 2008 at 11:46 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.